I Learned Something In The Hospital

So, they caught me and dragged me to the hospital. Not that I could run since my oxygen was starting to crash and in the mid 80 percentile. My wife joked, I knew you were sick when you didn’t fight back. πŸ˜€ Β Ug, I am so predictable. πŸ˜€ Β Why do I feel like a caged lion when I go to the hospital?! Β I am really such an independent soul. I hate being told what to do…even if it’s good for me. Well, I learned something in the hospital so, I thought I would share it with you.

Here’s What Happened

You know how it goes. Your children come home from school and spread their disease to all of humanity! πŸ™‚ Β David came home with a little cold and I immediately caught it. I only had it a day or two and it decided to make a direct exit to my lungs. Now, this isn’t atypical for me but usually I can shake it. Not this time. It was so bad that I couldn’t get off of the couch. I was having so much trouble just breathing that I asked Lisa to make me an appointment to go to the doctor. This is not a move that I would normally make! πŸ˜€

He gave me my usual check up and then put the little aligator clip on my finger that measures oxygen and looked directly at me and said, “You’re going to the hospital my friend.” πŸ™‚ My oxygen was mid 80 percentile and he said after it goes below 90 percent that it begins to crash rapidly. In addition, he suspected pneumonia. I protested…weakly and he countered with “You have cancer. Everything is much more serious for you now. You need to go.” I said, “OK” and Lisa drove me there and checked me in.

They Patched Me Up

Well, I cannot complain about the hospital, hospital staff or anything they treated me with. What an outstanding experience. I just laid there like a wet dish rag waiting for my treatments….and they came every 4 hours with steroids, antibiotics, breathing therapy and so on. 2 days later, I escaped. πŸ˜€ Β They let me out and I was home. Almost a week later and I’m still exhausted but slowly getting back on my feet. As it turns out, I had severe bronchitis.

I Learned Something In The Hospital

So, here I am filled with cancer. Fighting with my whole heart. I’m not going to quit climbing that mountain and I’m pulling my family up with me! Never gonna quit….except when they put me in the hospital for my breathing…it was like an atom bomb went off. πŸ™ I emotionally collapsed. I was in tears in the car, in tears in the lobby, in tears in my hospital room. What happened?

Well, I will tell you, I’m never too happy being separated from my family and especially my little one, David. He was pretty unhappy about it too. Lisa and I kissed and she took David and went home. As they left David said, “Good bye, Daddy!” and it faded away as the wooden door closed and he walked down the hallway hand in hand with his mother. Yes, I teared up…couldn’t talk…and then knock knock. The nurse was at the door. She could tell I was upset but engaged me in mindless banter and it helped me cheer up a bit. πŸ™‚ Nice person.

I don’t cry. Even when I want to, often I cannot. I don’t know why. It doesn’t matter how sad I am…it just doesn’t happen. Usually, I get sullen and quiet. So, this is not a standard thing for me. In fact, Lisa was very upset. I don’t cry. After I was discharged from the hospital I really started thinking. Why were my emotions so raw? What was going on inside of me. This is why I said that I learned something in the hospital.

So, yes… I Learned Something In The Hospital. Well, I guess it was the experience of the hospital visit that taught me something and I put it together afterwards. As I lay there in my beautiful room, alone and without my loved ones I began to realize, at some point in the future, this may become a reality….but not just for me but for everyone I love. We all have to face death and I guess, since I have cancer, I am a bit more aware of it.

In the Bible it talks about husband and wife becoming one. Β I know for Lisa and I, this couldn’t be more true. We have been together since 1981. We were married in 1987 and have never had a “rocky” patch in our marriage. πŸ˜€ Β Now we are blessed with David. Again, I think of a passage from the Bible that tells us that a 3 strand rope is almost impossible to break. (Ecclesiastes chapter 4 verse 12 ) Yet, I know that death can break that rope. Tear it apart. Un-weave it and leave it torn.

So, here’s what got me. Words. Words from friends, words from family, words like as a Christian we should “rejoice in all things”. Yes, I told a friend that I had cancer and that was what they said to me….and a few words worse than that. Also, some other cold and harsh words others have said….or…even worse..never said. Let me tell you, that is NOT what you say to a cancer patient upon first hearing about their plight. You give them condolences….maybe a hug. Cry for them, maybe? Any how, here’s my take on that.

First, you should know that I don’t hold grudges. It’s just not my nature. People can say the most awful things and I can forgive. I let them go like dropping rocks over the side of a boat . I don’t want to sink my boat by holding on to grudges, right? Hopefully they won’t come floating back up. πŸ™‚ So, no grudges.

Here’s the thing. If you read the New Testament, Christ shows up at various little villages and goes around preaching, healing people, raising the dead…..and crying. Read the New Testament and you will see Jesus crying an awful lot. So much so, that I took notice. You see, he didn’t cry when he died on the cross….or…for himself at all. He cried for us. He was compassionate, broken for us….crushed to tears. Why? Because we are separated from God (Sheep without a Shepherd) and because we are sick and dying. Christ weeps for us and is compassionate.

My friend is wrong. Not because we should not “rejoice in all things” but because he only spoke half of the truth. Our life is not a challenge to see who can take the longest whipping. A Christian life is about embracing God fully in his totality. Having faith, rejoicing and also resting in the compassion he shows to us. I rest in that “full picture” (as much as I understand it) now.

So, what now. I’m sitting in the hospital….pretty torn up…these “words” others have said are dancing through my brains and I can’t get rid of them. I prayed. You know, for me, there is no other hope. I turned to God and prayed for protection for my family and for myself. I prayed for healing and health for my family. You see, when all is said and done, I believe in God and that he loves me. I believe that he loves me so much that he sent His Son to die on the cross for me. I do. I believe. I try everyday to turn from my sins and follow him. πŸ™‚ Β I don’t trust in my own good works…just his redemption of me on the cross…and I know I am his child. So, I prayed. I rested in him. πŸ˜€ Do I feel better? Well, not totally but I do feel better. Cancer is hard. Why Lisa and I and little David must deal with this I will never know but, God knows….and he loves us. πŸ™‚

Also, thank you to everyone who thought of me while I was in the hospital. I am so thankful for the phone calls, FB and Blog notes all of you left as well as the private messages. It really cheered me up. I prayed for my cancer friends while I was there. πŸ˜€

Stay strong and thanks for thinking of me,

Ed – To find out how to use my images on your blog for free – Click Here
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12 Comments

  1. Beautiful. I pray for you in your journey with cancer. It sure isn’t easy, is it? I hope that you are feeling better. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us with NETs feel.

    • Hi Sharon, I try to put it in to words. I’m glad you liked this post. It’s hard to convey what’s inside of your heart sometimes. πŸ™‚ Nobody fights alone, right?! πŸ™‚

  2. Hi Ed, what we took for granted before cancer, no longer exists! My husband filed for divorce 4 weeks ago, he doesn’t want a wife who has cancer and cannot walk due to severe back pain. I am seeing a physical therapist for my back, and after he looked over my medical records, along with other problems I am having, he suggested I listen to a CD. It’s called “Making sense out of suffering” from Dr. Scott Hahn. I would highly recommend this CD. I am glad you are feeling better. When I had a severe case of Strep G, after 3 months of meds and fatigue, I decided how much I miss my spleen and cancer just adds to the misery.

    • Nancy, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. πŸ™ I have heard this story so many times. I will look into the CD. Thank you for thinking of me.

  3. Ed my husband was also just in the hospital for the 2nd big event since June. My take away was that it is emotionally exhausting for the whole family. It made me think about end of life issues and coping issues from now till then. We are planning on moving our MOD back to the closer more regional hospital where we started. It just so happens they have am outpatient palliative care team just started in June. We have already met with them and the meeting was very helpful. A couple of things for you to research when you think appropriate are cachexia and sound based therapies . Not particularly related but when ever there is a crisis I go back into research mode. You are blessed to have a strong faith.

    • Thanks so much, Lily. πŸ™‚ Yes, things to think about…..I think I’m going to rest a little before I take that on but thank you for giving me some ideas. God Bless. πŸ™‚

  4. Now I’m crying… Thanks a lot ya big jerk! Just kidding. This moved me in a way I haven’t felt in so long. While battling my other demons(that you know about) I haven’t really given much thought to the big picture. Thank you for reminding me….. Ya big jerk! πŸ’™

  5. Hi my name is julie and i have as of last week been dx with this beast.your words spoke to my heart and the feelings i am having.its a constant eb n flow of emotions.i have a five yr old lil grandaughter that my hubs and i are raising and i pictured them walking down that hall n it breaks my heart for her..How do you explain this to a child..how do you explain your tears and why you cant be who you used to be.i am so beyond scared for her and how all of this is going to effect her.Thank you for accepting my into this group.i will try to learn n cope and listen and hopefully become friends with each of you as we walk this walk together.much love n prayers julie

    • Julie, I’m so sorry. I have a 9 year old son so, I understand. I haven’t figured out how to explain it to my son but it seems that he asks questions and I try to answer as honest as possible….at a 9 year old’s level of course. There is a facebook group called “parenting with nets” I think. I belong to it. If you are on FB – friend me or send me a PM and I will add you to the group. πŸ™‚

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